Pinholes

Recently a beautiful friend was praying with me.  She used the term, “pinholes of light”.  Asking God to reveal even the smallest of hope in the dark times.  Being a lover of words, I found myself meditating on this concept.  Pinholes.  2018 was not an easy year.   It was fraught with uncertainty, and there were storms that swelled up without warning.   One minute everything seemed normal,  and the next I found myself identifying with the disciples on the boat.  “A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. ” Mark 4:37 …there I was wondering why Jesus was sleeping in the stern as I gasped for air as wave after wave broke right in my face.  I’ve heard it said, that Jesus was sleeping because he wasn’t worried.   When they woke him up, they were indignant.   ” Teacher, dont you care if we drown? ” (v38).  How many times this year have I asked that same question,  where are you God?  Yet again, I’ve heard it said that we aren’t supposed to see in a storm.  That’s why we are told to walk by faith and not by sight.  And so, my boat was rocked this year.  I found myself doing this daily dance with God.  Ok, I surrender to Your will.  Ok where are you?  Ok, I release this to Your care.  But do you hear me?  Ok ok, I’m trusting You.  You seem to be sleeping,  are You AWARE OF WHAT IS HAPPENING???????  And so we danced.  Me letting go, and then grabbing hold again because I wasn’t pleased with the way God was managing things.  I wanted it done my way,  in my timing.   I believe the word for that is pride.  Thinking I, such an intelligent creature know better than God the Creator of the universe.  Just stop the storm, no actually why even have the storm?  Just take that off the table, why do we need it?  It’s not necessary and it doesn’t go with what I want.  Just make everyone do what I say, and make everything how I want it.  Yet the waves kept coming.   Turns out I have no control over people,  places or circumstances.   Eventually I had to stop the dance.  I was really just fighting a battle with myself, this pride that leans on me making it hard to stand up straight.   I want everyone to know what they are doing wrong and that I am right.  Including God.  It occurred to me one night when I saw a car turning into the wrong driveway at Target.  I was incensed that they didn’t know it was wrong.  I wanted them to know it was wrong, and I wanted to berate them, and everyone else who does dumb things.  Hello pride, and general rotten thinking.   Why do I care what other people do?  Maybe because I feel insecure and inadequate and restless and irritable.   So pointing out what everyone else is doing to annoy me is easier than looking at myself.  It was in that realization that I had to surrender to the squall.  The storm was happening .  Unease.  Turmoil.  Uncertainty.   Raging against it was only going to make it harder to breathe.  So what was the alternative. ..instead of being indignant and demanding that Jesus wake up…maybe ask him to use the storm to cleanse me, heal me, strengthen me.  Understanding that the storm will eventually end.  Faith is not a magic wand.  It’s a deep confidence that when the waves stop, everything will be as it should according to His plan.  Trusting that He knows what He’s doing.  Maybe the storm is unearthing the grime that needs to be removed.   Maybe the storm is clearing a faulty foundation that needs to be rebuilt.  “Then the wind died down, and it was completely calm.” (v39) .  Now what?  I still see clouds!  The sky isn’t perfect,  my life isn’t perfect!  Then, the pinholes.  After that prayer, I began looking.   Really looking for them.  They popped up in ways I wouldn’t have noticed had I not been looking.   In that cloudy sky, heavy still with gray and silence…light started breaking through.   It was in my son dropping by unexpectedly on an ordinary day.  It was the flowers from my daughter on the table.  It was the prayer my husband said over me before leaving for work; the phone call with a Drs office that went really well; the concern and care from good friends ….all these simple things that hold so much weight because they come when we need them.  The light, even the pinholes break through at just the moment when all may seem lost.  When disappointment threatens to swallow us; and despair seems to lock itself over our hearts.  There is always hope, the hope of better days; the hope of that storm bringing with it new air and new beginnings.   The hope of the pinhole of light breaking through…we just have to watch.